The year is 2025. The NFL is doomed. 🏈💣
Deep beneath AT&T Stadium, Jerry “Dr. Evil” Jones strokes his pinky and unveils his master plan:
🦹♂️ Phase 1: Trade away Micah Parsons, the team’s best defensive weapon. Why? Because evil doesn’t need linebackers, baby, it needs plot twists.
🦹♂️ Phase 2: Stockpile ONE MILLION FIRST-ROUND PICKS! 💰 (okay… just two, but exaggeration makes it more villainous).
🦹♂️ Phase 3: Sit in a swivel chair inside the Cowboys’ underground lair — complete with a shark tank under the 50-yard line. (“Are they ill-tempered sea bass? No… they’re sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.”)
But like every Austin Powers movie…
Mini-Me = Cowboys fans, hopelessly cheering along 👏
Dak = Scott Evil, begging Dad to “just draft normal for once” 🙄
The NFC East = Goldmember, Fat Bastard, and every other ridiculous villain who somehow beats the Cowboys in the Wild Card.
And just when you think Jerry can’t get groovier… he announces the Cowboys’ new theme song:
🎶 Soul Bossa Nova 🎶
played on repeat every time they lose in primetime.
Jerry “Dr. Evil” Jones — not rebuilding… just plotting NFL domination, baby. YEAH! 🕶️